Photo courtesy of Kamau Kegler ’27
With the confidence of a student who has arrived at 8:08 AM—leaving just enough time to print an AP Biology graph due first block—you might assume the morning has begun rather auspiciously. Alas, such optimism is often short-lived. After barely surviving Outward Bound 2.0 (the never-ending trek from the student lot), you wistfully scan your ID at SecurePrint, only to be greeted by a flashing red light and a rather endearing “ERROR” message. It appears the temperamental beast has once again decided academic success is simply not a priority.
Whether it be a last-minute assignment or 15 copies of a 30-page “Quick Tips for Better Writing” packet, one fact remains constant: SecurePrint is sentient, and it can smell urgency. The machine requires no less than 25 minutes to acclimate to the exact same environment it occupied last week, all while anxious foot tapping provides the morning’s perfect background music. Just when you begin to believe your patience may be rewarded with a fresh sheet of white, you are met with the same incandescent illumination. How charming.
Naturally, you proceed to test the other four or so printers scattered across our 123-acre campus, only to discover that they too have presumably entered into a collective agreement to deprive the community of their most basic necessities. Personal dig? I think absolutely.
Must we offer a sacrificial lamb and perform elaborate vigils before being graced with a functioning printer? Around two color printers across campus would hardly constitute an extravagant demand, and we do not even request additional accommodation. We would simply appreciate it if the approximately five we already have could perform their rather modest task.