Michael DiMonte ’25, Jack Gallagher ’25
Let’s set the scene for all of you beautiful, intelligent readers who gather around once again for your monthly taste of capital “T” Truth. Jack Gallagher and I, Michael DiMonte, were feverishly crafting a Gray Collins dossier because we were fed up with the amount of injustice the “Thoughts on Thoughts” brand was facing over our unorthodox, patriotic column that would make Hunter S. Thompson shed a tear. Yet, as we focused all of our attention on Gray Collins, the nation was focusing its attention on the 2024 presidential election.
While the dossier was leaking with metaphorical juice (even more than the H. Clinton email archive), we at “Thoughts on Thoughts” could not deny that our readers would probably glance over our verbose investigation of Collins because the future of the country is (supposedly) at stake. On one hand, we have a woman who blanks without a teleprompter (there used to be a joke here), and on the other, we have a man who rivals the ego of the caveman who invented fire. We strive to be as useful and mountain-moving to all of you as RFK Jr. is in Trump’s campaign; therefore, we have decided to bring to you five coping mechanisms for dealing with the result of the election, whatever it may be.
#1. Move to Canada! (You won’t).
#2. Bet on the election. One of the things that makes Pennsylvania the best place in the world is our new-found ability to bet on political elections. The best way to feel comfort and maybe even joy after the results of the election release is to bet on the candidate that you want to lose. Say, just for the sake of argument, a Churchman wants Trump to win the election. They should then bet on Kamala, so in the event that Kamala wins, the Churchman can at least wake up that morning and think, “Hey, I made some money!” (which will be much needed in this new economy). If Trump wins, however, the Churchman can then think, “Hooray! The candidate I wanted won!” The thought of the lost money will not trump (no pun intended) the thought of the desired candidate winning the election. Happy betting!
Photo courtesy of Hailey Deng ’25
#3. Make an appointment with a shaman. The results of the election may leave you with many questions and qualms. For example, if Trump wins, a Churchman, for the sake of argument, might be left with a crack in their heart as they think to themself, “Four more years of name-calling?! How will American politicians ever be taken seriously on the world stage?” If you make an appointment and meet with a shaman, they can help you heal, come to terms with the results, and rebuild the wall in your heart. It is the opinion of the “Thoughts on Thoughts” writers that an energy healing session would be in your best interest. The shaman can pull all the negative energy out of your Chakra and leave you thinking, “at least he’s not a violent felon!”
#4. Yell. There’s nothing like opening your window, sticking your neck out like Snow White, and screaming at the top of your lungs. This is also a good way to gauge who your mysterious neighbors who did not put out political signs voted for! For example, if Kamala wins and you are crying, one neighbor might lean out their window and say, “Don’t worry. Wait for the recount when the results are proven to be a fraud!” while another neighbor might say, “At least you can scream until your voice gives out because medicine costs are lower!” Be careful around the third, lesser-known neighbor, who might think your overly distraught public display of emotion is a sign that you have a brain worm.
#5. Take consolation in the fact that many of you could not vote! It is not lost on us writers at “Thoughts on Thoughts” that many of you reading this, though highly opinionated, are completely powerless over who runs the country for the next four years! In the wise words of us, you shouldn’t feel bad about your inability to put out a fire if you aren’t armed with a fire extinguisher.
Whether Trump or Kamala wins, take comfort in the fact that we, Michael DiMonte and Jack Gallagher, vow to not run to Canada or seek out a shaman in a faraway land so that we can continue to provide articles filled with the capital “T” Truth for all of you. Get out and vote if you can, and if you can’t… have someone write in a ballot for you. Kidding! That’s illegal and everyone knows that has NEVER been done before. God bless America!